Letter to myself on my 33rd Step …

I turned 33 on the 29th of this month and statistically speaking given the life expectancy of an average Indian woman, I have seen exactly 50% of the winters I am supposed to see. Hence, the importance of turning 33 cannot be overemphasized. For most people, turning 30 is significant for it means they have been living the ordeal called ‘life’ for over 3 decades and thus are comfortably well into the Stockholm syndrome of continuing with it … And when it occurs to you that you probably have as much time left as you have led, the first feeling that engulfs you is … REGRET!! You regret a lot … You wish things were different and so were your reactions towards them. You wish people were different and so were your emotions for them. In short, you are overwhelmed with your own life. However, it is only when you realize that you cannot really go back in time and make amends, do you then admonish yourself for being so despondent. You wish to make the most of whatever is left and then find yourself in the shackles of expectations, responsibilities and self-created cobwebs. I am no different and since I stand on that 50% threshold, I decided to write a letter to myself …

Henaa, you have lived as per the rules made by others and following those rules has only made you a “sheep”. You are a part of a herd which is aimlessly moving on a path of self-destruction. Those who aren’t part of this herd are brave. SO BE BRAVE!! Break the rules you have hitherto followed and make some of your own. Living by your rules might not ensure success but it shall most definitely not make you regret for you would have given an honest attempt to all that you ever wished to accomplish. Regret is worse than failure any day.
Richness is always relative. No matter how much you earn, you shall always sweat for not having more. Being rich has nothing to do with feeling rich. Hence, it is important to feel rich for from it stems the feeling of abundance. Life has been really kind to me … I have a functional laptop to pen down my thoughts supported by uninterrupted supply of electricity and high speed internet!! For most people it is a privilege. I do feel abundant and no one can take that sense away from me.

You have loved and hurt. Loved and lost. Loved and betrayed. It is time you stop treating love like an opportunity to discover perfection. Love is anything but that. It is way of life. You love … You give. It took me 33 years to realize this. Sharing and giving who you are and what you have … is love. I am surrounded by people who love me and I feel so blessed to have them in my life. I don’t know many people who are as fortunate as I am … And I want to thank every single one of them for bearing with me and not abandoning me when I was groping in the dark and experimenting with life and its truths. I have been a difficult person to live with and those who have stood by me during my difficult self (not that I am any better now) and difficult times … are the ones who truly love me.

Whilst people are harsh to you, you don’t have to be harsh to yourself. Be kind … TO YOURSELF!! Be Compassionate … TOWARDS YOURSELF!! Till now, I have been my worst critic and it is seldom that I praise myself. In these 33 years, I have not loved myself even once. With age and time my cynicism increased and the glass I wore had gone darker. Self-deprecation, was thus, an alienable aspect of my personality. Something happened (about which I shall write later) which changed the way I look at myself. A full bodied woman with an active mind of average intelligence born in an upper middle class family in a country not torn by war, are reasons enough to shower love upon myself. It is, thus, essential to feel grateful for what you have. To aspire is healthy, to expect is not. To improve is necessary, to feel superior is not. I am a blessed soul and no amount of gratitude will ever be able to do justice to the manner in which the Universe has showered love and abundance upon me.

Last 33 years have been spent trying to please those around me … Given the history enthusiast I am, I should have realized that it was the policy of appeasement which strengthened Adolf Hitler … It was this policy which led to the Gulf Wars and the spread of terrorism by Saudi Arabia. Appeasement has failed … EVERY SINGLE TIME!! How can it then be otherwise in the life of an individual? Hereon, I shall never please anyone but myself. The aim is not to please myself at the cost of those around me but to stop lying to myself. My happiness is not linked to those around me and hence they need to search for theirs as I need to search for mine. If their happiness is intricately intertwined with what I do with my life then it is time they sort out their lives … “They” over here refers to every single person by whom I have felt pressurized to perform!! I have just one life and whatever little I can try and salvage, I shall. Those who couldn’t love me for my flaws will never love me for my failures and hence it is pointless to live up their expectations and strangulate my happiness for the same. So … Please do what makes you happy …
I will never be 33 again just like I can never be 16 again … It is, therefore, of utmost importance to live life on my terms for I do not my last words to be “I wish” …

With love … Sugarsatchet

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10 Comments

  1. Finally! Where’s my pooja thali? Good sense dawns on you. I remember those days when you would run helter-skelter and would work your ass off just so you could please those ‘people’ you allude to. But, woh Hindi mean kehte hain na – der aaye par durust aaye 😊😊😊😊

    Like

    1. Yes. Trying to. Whilst it’s not an easy task to accomplish, one must try one’s best to follow one’s heart; pursue dreams relentlessly and never ever negativity and opinions reach you! Thank for reading the post Simply-Me.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Powerful ponderings on your life. I hope you use this letter to move forward with love, compassion and will to live fully now. I went to sleep for a long stretch in my 40s and have been gradually waking up to very similar lessons as you. blessings on your path, Brad

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on my post. We all need to rest in these fast paced times. I did learn my lessons, albeit after much suffering.

      I hope this post helps all those who are in the same space as I am. Sending my love to you and to everyone else who needs it …

      Thank you once again.

      Blessings … Sugarsatchet

      Liked by 1 person

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