My Mother is NOT my role model

Upon being born the first human interaction you have is with your mother. Your mother becomes your world and it is she who later helps in its expansion. With time she assumes an ancillary role and without any complains lets you shift your focus from herself to other meatier things which life has to offer … She does not regret her movement from pivot to penumbra … There is absolutely no way in which you can repay your mother … For one, you cannot carry her the way she carried you and neither can you offer your nutrition to her in the manner she offered you hers. There are times when life does not allow you to balance your books … Your relationship with your mother is an account from which you began “drawing” the minute your heart began to beat …

Ever since I was a child I wanted to be like my mother … She continues to remain the most gorgeous woman I know … She has been and continues to be my definition of perfection … Till recently, I wanted to be EXACTLY like her. However, the more I get consumed by the responsibilities of running my house the more I realize that she is the worst role model I could have ever picked up … It might sound blasphemous but it is true.

Every single time I am asked to prioritize the needs of my family over mine, I feel victimized … I feel wronged … I feel as if I am an agent of age-old patriarchy … I get upset and I dont hesitate in exhibiting my displeasure. However, in last 33 years, not once have I seen my mother put her needs before those of her family. She always told me that her happiness lies in making those around her smile … Mom, I am sorry but my happiness is seeing myself smile! She always ate last, slept last, woke up first, worked the hardest … And she was rewarded the least! Her birthdays were spent getting a cake which my sister and I would be eager to cut … Her anniversaries meant arranging dinners and organizing get togethers in which she had to work the most … Her Diwali meant buying firecrackers then lighting them for us despite suffering from asthma … Her world revolved around us and she continues to weave her dreams and desires around ours. She is a happy woman because she sees us happy. I dont think she knows “happiness” as a concept … For her happiness is a derivative …

Today as I sit down to pen this post, I am reminded of countless occasions on which she refused to meet her friends or go out with her colleagues because my dad did not approve of it … For her long drives exist only in films and vacations mean working harder than ever before to ensure that everyone else is taken care of. She is full of love for others but she has very little for herself … Her shopping list rarely has items which are solely for her consumption and her favourite food is ordered the least …

In times of waning trust, it is imperative to love yourself the most … I need to prioritize my needs over everyone else’s if I need to survive BUT because I have never seen my mother do it, I dont know how to accomplish the same. I dont know how to say “no” because I never heard her say it … She is the best mom but the worst role model because she never taught us how to put ourselves before others. There are times when I have to stop myself from being like her … I need to learn how to put my foot down when someone ill treats me or uses bad language for I never saw my mother do the same … I need to learn how to vociferously put forth what I want and not succumb to the “love” I feel for others … My love for those around me should not be used as a weapon against me and my dreams … I should not be made to undergo the pain of selecting my family over my aspirations for the two are not mutually exclusive. My mother, though, had to make a choice every single time … Her career could have soared had her wings not been clipped … She could have the world at her feet provided she was taught how to put hers down …

I love my mother obsessively and there are times when I feel I suffer from “mother fixation” but then after stepping into womanhood I realize I dont want to be like my mother … I shall not sacrifice myself for those around me … I shall not prove my love by strangulating my wants … I shall not silence my voice because my opinions matter as much … I shall not let patriarchy walk over me … I shall foster equality in its rawest and truest form … I SHALL NOT BE LIKE MY MOTHER!!

With immense love for her mother … Sugarsatchet today writes ONLY for her …