I write this post amidst my detox and the reason I am compelled to pen it down is my urge to seek validation from my readers … Am I the only one who plans a conversation in her head for an occasion which might never come?
For years now I have been planning a conversation in my head which I will have on an evening when I will be with all my critics … An evening with all those who have judged me so far … An evening with all those who have given me labels ranging from being “dumb” to being “manipulative”, from being an “attention seeker” to being “artificial” … An evening with all those who had predicted my failure even before I began leading my life as an independent woman. For years I have been planning that one evening. I have lived that evening in my head for years … I have chosen multiple outfits, thought of appropriate sentences, practiced correct expressions for that one evening fruition of which is improbable. But it is the hope of that one evening which keeps me going … I continue to work on myself because I want to look my best for that one evening … My strife at work does not cease because on that one evening I wish to bask in the glory of my success … My will to improve with each passing day is fuelled because on that one evening I want to come across as someone who made the right choices in her life.
I am the most double standard person I know for I have an entire blog about how essential it is to be yourself but I haven’t been able to emerge from the shackles of being “approval seeking” and “people pleasing” … It is so important for me to “fit-in” in the definition of success as we know it. However, I consciously try to go against the stereotype and be myself. There have been occasions when I have been able to unshackle myself from the chains of that “one evening” and on some occasions … the grip of that “one evening” has strengthened.
That one evening in my head is like a song on loop … It’s like a background score in the film called “Me”. It controls me all the time and no matter how hard I try I am either consciously and conspicuously trying to forget it or weave my life around it.
I really don’t know what life has stored in for me but what I know is that if ever the dreaded (desired .. May be) evening comes, in all probability I will give it amiss for I would have failed it even before attending it … I would be so scared of my cynics, critics, sceptics and cryptics that I don’t think I will have the courage to face that evening at all!!! That one evening which has been the propelling force of my life will in all probability fail to propel me to attend it and see for myself what it means to face them.
The reason I write this is to vent my fear … I am really scared of not being judged but being found not up to do the mark … I am scared of not being opined upon but being opined upon as a “failure” … I am scared of that one evening which might never occur …
Dear readers … While I am trying my level best to fight my fears and phobias, I request you all to do the same. What might happen on the day of reckoning should be the least of my worries … What should be my guiding force is how am I going to reach that day!
I wish you all the strength to reach yours with you head held high and with utmost aplomb for you have nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to lose …