Faithlessness Galore

I have been leading a faithless existence for a while. A stage has come when I have no faith left … None at all.

There have been occasions when I have questioned the concepts, existence of which was impressed upon me ever since I was a child … The theory of Karma seems so over-rated for it appears to be the most twisted and debauched way of making one accept one’s failure without even inquiring into its causes. If most things in this Universe owe their presence to the age old “cause and consequence” theory why cant there be a legitimate, reasonable and convincing explanation of failure despite the effort and hard work. What explains varied results … soaring successes … depressing failures. What acts as the “variable” in the constancy of karma?

I am extremely depressed today … It is as if I am trapped in an impenetrable and soundproof oubliette with no access to sunshine. Life, it seems, has come to a standstill and my thoughts are feasting on my residual optimism. It is one of those times when I am tempted to ask … “What can possibly be worse than this?” … But I am petrified of asking for life has the most demonic and vulgar ways of answering …

When I am told to search for the silver lining … a volcano erupts in me! “Silver Lining?? Yeah … Sure. Silver lining presupposes a cloud and not a cloudburst. The bad news in my life is like a cloudburst with no lining, its colour notwithstanding” … The worst part is that such amazing pearls of wisdom come from those who have never really been on the receiving end or have conveniently forgotten what it means to “not succeed” …

Off late my palette has become extremely bitter and the foods I enjoy are normally classified as “too bitter for liking” … 99% cocoa in dark chocolate, excessively black coffee sans sugar, boiled chicken bordering “raw”, old and sour yogurt … My taste buds can no longer identify with soft, tender, palatable foods. My choices in almost everything reflect my aggression and it comes as no surprise … I have officially become an angry, bitter person who only has grudges against the world. I feel cheated, stabbed and beaten and I cannot do anything to change it. This pent up anger in me wants to go and kill God … Like physically go and murder God without giving Him/Her an opportunity to explain His/Her actions … I have this urge in to commit sacrilege of the worst kind. God punishes us … Fair. But who punishes God? Or is God above and beyond penalty.

The reason I type frantically, is because I am hurt … I am angry … I feel like a failure … I feel feeble and I feel as if my life has come to an end and I shall die with this label of “Being Nobody”. I have no faith left in anything or anybody including myself …

I wish I could go back in time … some 33 years back and be born “dead” …

With no sugar to offer … Its “Emptysatchet” bidding all those goodbye who had the patience to sit through this outburst ..


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